So this
post is going to be hard to write as I am being 100% honest and raw about my
mental health and my journey so far. Now this may seem a bit discombobulated but
I am going to try and keep to some kind of timeline.
So the
first sign that something was off within me was probably around the age of
14/15, I’d fallen out with one of my “best” friends and I remember feeling so
angry and turning into an emotional wreck. Normal right? Nope, I would get so
wound up and emotional that the thought of ending my life seemed normal, if no
one wanted me then what was the point? Sounds stupid now but at that time it
seemed plausible. My biggest scare was at the age of 15/16 when after a massive
row with my mum in which I was made to feel worthless (or so my brain told me)
I actually convinced myself to try and end my life. *TRIGGER WARNING: I will be
completely frank on how I did. I took my dressing gown tie and hooked it up to
my door and then made the noose… the only thing that saved me from that ending
that night was the fact I was still able to touch the floor with my feet.
Around that time, I had a friend that was in a similar situation of attempting
suicide so I didn’t feel like it was a major problem for me. Also adding to
this was the fact that I tend to distract myself with life and avoid my mental
health, it was easy to just forget as I had a relationship and sixth form to
contend with at the time.
15 year old me.
Skip ahead the next 2 years and contending with sixth
form, a boyfriend and a job became ridiculous and so the breakdown of that
relationship occurred followed by being signed off work for the Christmas period.
It was around that time I sought help with my doctor and he classed me as
having depressive symptoms, my awareness of mental health developed as well but
at the time I thought it was something that occasionally occurred due to stress.
My first year of university was tough after I lost Jess.
Sunday 29th
June 2014, the day that broke my heart and changed my life forever, the day my
best friend died. From that day I wished I could take her place, I begged God
to let me even if it was just to be with her in heaven. I spent so long crying
and wondering why someone so special and amazing was taken and I was still on
this earth, why my little Jessy? That period was a tough one, she was my
everything and a world without her seems empty as if my sunlight was stolen. I
had my first year of university straight after that and every anniversary was
tough. That on top of heart breaks and deadlines, disastrous friendships and
life stresses had the number of breakdowns increasing. At this stage I didn’t
know what I was doing and was clinging to faith to help, I made sure I read a
bible verse every day and tried to convince myself it was the way of keeping
the negative thoughts out of my way. Added on to this was the fact that I had a
friend suffering from severe depression at university, I honestly did not mind
being a shoulder to rely on but there is only so many times you can help before
you feel worn and your health needs to be top priority. First and Second year passed with a similar
degree of breakdowns and general ups and downs but this year has been the
worst.
I used likes and comments on profile pictures to boost self esteem.
This my
final year of university. The year that makes my future essentially. The year
that so far is a huge fail. I have more breakdowns than I do productive days, I
cry almost every day, feel isolated, feel like self-harming, feel so terrible
it made me debate dropping out. I took it upon myself to reach out to my
university mental health team and made an appointment with them that helped me
immensely! They were super helpful and listened to everything with open minds
and no judgements, they put me on a counselling waiting list and placed me on a
short term learning plan. I feel like for the first time in a long time I am
supported and not alone, it is such a big thing reaching out for help and I
just want to say for anyone else suffering it is okay to ask for help.
My final year is tough.
Another
thing that I touched upon earlier was my faith. I know not everyone is
religious but my faith has saved me from doing something stupid on more than
one account. I found Pastor Steven Furtick through his books, but I found out
not only is he an author but he posts his sermons on Youtube and even created
his own church, Elevation Church. Every book I own and every video I watch; he
grounds me to the faith that saves me.
Of course I
cannot talk about my mental health journey without mentioning the community
that are there for me any day of the week. #TalkMH. This beautiful community
brought together by the incredible Hannah Rainey, are supportive and non-judgmental,
literally my second family. Anyone suffering from MH knows that it can be an
isolating and numb place so somewhere you can share or even just be cheered up
by a community as magical as TalkMH is like the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am honored to have been introduced to
the most amazing people through it like Marc, Tori and Hannah and hopefully we
can maybe reduce some stigma.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone
online of course there are other avenues such as the Samaritans or the charity
Mind. If you are a bookworm then Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive is a massive
help and if you can get some family and friends to read it to try and see
things from your perspective. I’m writing
this post to hopefully help someone, I am not out of the tunnel as you can see
but I am getting help and I hope that I will improve my mental health somewhat
within the next year or so. As Matt Haig says:
That's all for now my lovely readers,
Leah.
That is a very brave post to write and share. I truly believe that your openness to help anyone with similar experiences could really help them :)
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